We've been going about this IU coaching search all wrong. We've been using logic, reason, and common sense. We've contacted people in the know. We've researched. We've been taking into account various circumstances, probabilities, and logistics. If nothing else, we've been ruling out the far-fetched choices.
F--k that. That's Bush League, apparently. The professionals go about this process in a much different way. And so shall we.
I mean, Bob Kravitz casually -- very nonchalantly -- rules out "another man of color" as if he were ruling out pasta for dinner tonight. I dunno. Not sure why. Just don't feel like it. Nothin' against pasta, really ... I'm just saying I'm not in the mood.
Oh. Well how the f--k was I supposed to know this was allowed? Like an idiot, I thought you needed to substantiate your arguments. Ummm ... you don't, obviously. And now I know this.
And then today, Terry Hutchens throws Tom Izzo's name into the fray because that's what he's "hearing." Of course, no word on who he's hearing that from. Just that he's heard it.
No shit? Well I've heard things too. But I guess I wasn't aware that they fall under the broad umbrella of "journalism." They do, apparently. And now I know that as well.
Alright. Time to go find us our coach, Indy-Star-style.
We'll start with who's out:
Anthony Grant -- He's black. Too black, actually. Tough luck, Slappy.
Sean Miller -- He strikes me as an Al Qaeda sympathizer. Not sure why, though.
Tony Bennett -- Simply put, he's a douchebag. My 2-year-old confirmed this.
Kevin Stallings -- In an episode of "According to Jim," we learned that all bald people are impotent. And if I know Rick Greenspan, he doesn't like men who fire blanks. Nobody does.
Bruce Pearl -- I hear he's functionally illiterate.
John Calipari -- Technically, he's not black. But close enough. IU just can't risk it.
Brad Brownell -- I'm pretty sure IU doesn't want to hire a card-carrying member of the F--kstick Club. Which all DePauw people are in.
Scott Drew -- The last thing IU wants to do is hire a devout Christian. That's just code for "crazy person."
Ray McCallum -- He's black. Technically and otherwise. Sorry. Out you go, Hip Hop.
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You know who that leaves?
.
That's right. John Wooden. The f--king Wizard.
Think about it. He's (a) still alive; (b) an Indiana man, through and through; and (c) has ears the size of barcaloungers. It makes total sense. And I hear he's ready to get back in the game. I'm hearing it from enough people to think he's interested in the job at some level.
And what level would that be?
F--k it. Who cares. It doesn't matter.
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